Firsts and Lasts
by Bookworm1986
Summary: The Doctor has lost his Ponds and the TARDIS recognises the warning signs. There are some things only a Time Lord's wife can make better. A 11/River story. Not entirely sure where it is gong yet though I do have a rough idea and anyway, River would say knowing would take the fun out of it. For all 11/River fans. T for now. May change because River likes misbehaving.
1. The sound of silence

Disclaimer: None of the Doctor, the TARDIS, or the show itself, Doctor Who, belong to me. Everything belongs to the BBC. This is for reading enjoyment only. No copyright infringement intended.

A/N Because 11 and River are amazing together. 11's speech, coupled with that kiss in The Name of the Doctor broke my shipper heart in two. This is just an excuse to put 11 and River together and therefore may not sync exactly with their timeline on the show…I blame the timey wimey.

For all 11/River shippers.

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The sound of silence is deafening. It echoes throughout the TARDIS emphasising how alone he is. Alone. The one thing he has been told by many of his friends he should never be and yet here he is again, alone.

He's angry at them. All of them, because they tell him not to be alone, but the need to not be alone is what forces the attachment which in turn fuels the feeling of loneliness and sadness when they leave or get lost forever, dead or worse and he finds himself in this situation again. Alone and scared of what he might do, because he knows what he is capable of and he knows deep down they are right. He should never ever be alone because he is dangerous when he is angry, but he doesn't want to and can't open himself up to the prospect of getting hurt again.

She'd slap him, she would. His River. He thinks he might quite like that right now. River always laughed at his ability to get lost when going somewhere. So, he angrily stomps around the TARDIS, pushing buttons not caring where he ends up and not aiming for anywhere in particular. The TARDIS groans and fights him. He tries to put the brakes on to land, but she won't let him.

He pulls with all his might, but she won't budge an inch and he exerts himself, trying to force the issue. Still, the TARDIS is adamant and he is furious with her and yells, _"you're not River. You don't get to tell me how to fly you!"_

She tries to tell him something, but he's not listening. Doesn't want to hear. His anger pours out, fury enveloping him and he aims a kick at her, "_don't talk to me. Don't tell me WHAT TO DO!" _

The TARDIS shuts down on him and he can hardly see. He is so angry the words tumble out in rage, faster than even he can keep up, aimed at the TARDIS, who won't respond to him at all now. He feels the wave of emotions taking over, consuming him and collapses to the floor.

He's angry at himself because he couldn't protect them and because he doesn't always appreciate people. He thinks of Martha Jones. Brilliant and brave Martha Jones, who walked the earth alone. He never fully appreciated her until the day she slapped him awake by telling him she was staying at home with her devastated family who needed her. Martha Jones, who made the choice to stay at home before she became just another lost friend of the Doctor's. Martha Jones, whose parting words were that he should find someone because he was no good on his own.

He met Donna for the second time and she had been pleased to see change in him and offered the opinion that Martha had been good for him. She'd been repulsed, not the slightest bit impressed at how easily he disposed of the Racnoss, children and all, first time she had met him.

He lost Donna and himself, in a manner of speaking before he found his Pond. His first Pond, before the other two followed, River in spectacular fashion. Now, his Ponds are gone too. He thinks he might be able to cope with losing Amy and Rory, if only River was here, but River isn't here and all that stares him in the face is how he never appreciated her enough either and now it is too late. He hated remembering and tried not to, but the sound of silence is deafening and all there is left is regret.

It's cold and he finds himself not caring because hot, fury induced tears blaze a trail down his cheeks and he feels the anger draining out of him until he's just tired, mentally, physically and emotionally.

He closes his eyes tightly until he feels dizzy and can see the stars in his mind. He wants to go back and slap his younger self silly. His younger self handed such a gift, but so careless with it and so completely unable to appreciate it.

_"I love a bad girl, me. But trust you? Seriously?", __he'd once asked her, scathingly. _His younger self, scared and angry, frustrated, intimidated and cruel at times. Such an idiot and so afraid of the gift the universe gave him just because it didn't feel like a choice at first. He had seen the briefest flash of hurt in her eyes, but she never wavered. She met his eyes and did not look away. His strong and wonderful wife, living every day with a broken heart. But back she would come just to run with him, waiting for him to grow up.

He wants a siren call. A message on his psychic paper or perhaps, on the white cliffs of Dover. He can give her into trouble for it and she can chime in that if he answered his phone, she wouldn't need to leave cliff notes for him.

He wanted to give her into to trouble for flagging him down like he is an intergalactic taxi service, all the while she waltzes in humouring him by listening, but with not the slightest intent of changing because he wouldn't want her to. He likes their bickering and knows she loves it too. He wants her to come in and use his scanner as a shoe rack, taking over control of the TARDIS and he can pretend to be extremely upset about those things as well. Secretly he loves the fact that she flies the TARDIS better than him, even if he would never admit it to her and even if it exasperates him as to how she manages it. He's damn sure he never taught her to fly it that well. He can only assume the old girl found the thought of his wife managing it better than him amusing.

He wants his flirty wife his younger self was so intimidated by. He wants to see the sparkle of mischief in her eyes. He wants to hear her laugh and say those two words reserved just for him.

"Hello, Sweetie."

He remembers the first time he heard those words when he hadn't the faintest idea who she was, when he hadn't noticed the pain his not knowing caused her and when he hadn't understood how much he would one day miss not hearing her say them.

_"Hello, Sweetie."_

He could hear her say those words all day.

_"__Hello, Sweetie."_

But it didn't sound right in his head. There was none of her joy and mischief, just sadness and a bit of impatience. His mood was ruining his memory of her.

"_Hello, Sweetie."_

She sounded as if she were in the TARDIS with him. Oh, how he wished that could be. Suddenly, the TARDIS powered back up giving him a jolt as she did so.

"Oi! I thought I told you not to talk to me when I'm cross", he retorts in reply.

"And how many times, Sweetie? She does as I ask, because she likes me better than you."

The Doctor hears his own breath catch in his throat, hardly daring to believe it. Thoughts race through his mind and most particularly the possibility of his mind playing tricks on him. Was the dream lord back?

He hears her sigh of impatience, but can't bear to open his eyes for fear of it being a dream.

"Clueless as ever. Obviously you didn't land the TARDIS here, because the breaks weren't on. It's why I didn't notice at first. So, why did she bring you here then?

He hears the question she didn't ask because she knows, his River always knows. Just like he knows he's not the only one upset about something. He can tell that about her too. The only thing is that he doesn't know when they are because he hadn't checked. In his fury he hadn't realised the TARDIS had landed much less some when his wife is still alive.

"You don't know when we are, do you?"

Opening his eyes and despite himself, he smiles. Despite the promise of loss that accompanies them every time they meet, his hearts flutter with hope for the first time in ages. For she is there, sadder than he can ever remember seeing her, with the exception of the Library, but there nonetheless.


	2. Come along, Song

Disclaimer: None of the Doctor, the TARDIS, or the show itself, Doctor Who, belong to me. Unfortunately. Everything belongs to the BBC. This is for reading enjoyment only. No copyright infringement intended.

srhittson &amp; Elthia83 - thank you for the reviews. Appreciated. Thank you to everyone for all favs and following. Also appreciated.

* * *

He's smiling at her and it makes her really want to slap him. If she felt like being fair to him then she might soften slightly because it is a sad smile. But she doesn't feel like being fair to him because she'd realised what day it is for her and he had pranced off about an hour ago, as insensitive and ignorant of her feelings as always his younger self was. If she were to guess then this version of him is older than the version who had left an hour ago. Something about the smile that says he is genuinely happy to see her, that he needed to see her and that he understands a bit better. River stares at him coldly for a moment before turning on her heels and sharply exiting the TARDIS.

The Doctor blanches slightly as the TARDIS door bangs shut behind River. How can he have upset her? He has only just arrived and he'd hardly spoken!

"Ok, what I have I done?", he directs his question at the TARDIS as he stands up and dusts himself down. He is met with cold silence.

"Oh come on. Why do the two of you have to be mad at me at the same time?"

The TARDIS remains stubbornly silent. "River gets that from you, you know", the Doctor huffs out as he paces back and forwards thinking about what he has to do. He has to go out and face her as he's pretty sure he must be the reason she's upset even if he has no idea what he has done. He can't just walk away and leave her like that, the way his younger self would have. He stops pacing and smacks himself on the head as the realisation hits him. His younger self! What has he done this time? He straightens himself up completely, subconsciously fixes his hair and bowtie and strides out to face the music. It won't be pretty.

He stops as he exits the TARDIS and takes in the sight in front of him and he knows instantly how bad it is. She is in her cell with the door shut.

River deliberately has her back to her cell door. She heard the TARDIS door open and she can feel him staring at her, but she does not turn around. She feels so much at once she hardly knows which feeling to deal with first. It's all a jumble in her head. It's not really a feeling she is used to. She learned quickly to be in control and to push aside emotion to a certain extent. But in this moment she is vulnerable because she can't stand having him this close to her when he's further away from her than ever and he doesn't know it. He doesn't know that the first kiss his idiotic, arm flailing younger self just shared with her is her last with him. He doesn't know how shattered she is and she hates him right now. She often told him she hated him when she didn't really, but right now she does.

"Let me in."

His voice is soft and tender though it pierces through the silence that had fallen over them for several moments. He is asking permission. Not for physical entry because he could easily open her door himself, but he is asking for emotional entry.

River does not turn around. Never let him see the damage. That is the rule and she has stuck to it steadfastly. Though she had known this day would come she had not been prepared for it to be today and the temptation to give in is strong.

"Please, River?"

She shifts slightly on her bed. Had he just said please? She's confused. It's not a nice feeling. It feels like coming full circle back to the days when he knew everything and she was the one grasping for information. It only further enhances the notion her time with him is coming to an end. Where has this Doctor come from? What has happened to make him more aware of her feelings?

She is on her feet and may as well have floated over to the cell door. She doesn't open it. Both of them could, but neither of them do. He appears to be taking his lead from her. He is waiting for her to let him in.

She puts her hand through the bars and reaches for his face. She can see in his eyes that raw pain of loss.

"Who have you lost this time?"

She sees the flinch he tries to hide, understands the emotion he tries not to show and she knows when he has come from. He doesn't want to say it and hurt her even though he must know she already knows the answer to her own question. Her anger at him softens slightly. He has just lost her parents. She rubs his cheek comfortingly.

She is surprised but grateful when his hand comes through the bars to reach for her cheek.

"What have I done?"

"What makes you think it is you?", she can't help trying to deflect.

"Let's face it, honey, it's always me."

"Arrogant as ever", she responds, but a slight smile creeps over her lips.

"But right."

"You left an hour ago. We kissed."

"Must have been really bad for you to be this mad with me."

"Despite your hopeless arm flailing and general teenage like angst, it wasn't bad."

"Ah. My first kiss with you. Now it…", the Doctor stops short of finishing his sentence. He can't because of what he had learned. His firsts are her lasts. But it can't be that time now. So much that she has known that he didn't that frustrated and irritated his younger self, and yet there has always been one thing he knew that she wouldn't until the moment it happens. From the moment he first met her, he always knew she was going to die. The horrible, terrible secret and burden his younger self struggled with. It wasn't just that he was scared and intimidated by her. It was that he is going to lose her. He is destined to lose her and he didn't want to open his hearts to that. He tried to be horrid and push her way, hoping to save himself from the pain of that knowledge and her from that fate. But she was stubborn and she refused to go even when he had been at his worst. It's nearly time for her to go to the library and he can't bear it. He hasn't…they haven't…the thought makes it hurt to breath and suddenly he is no longer terrified of the woman who waltzes into his life knowing more than him. Suddenly he is no longer terrified of the hold she has on him. The only thing that terrifies him is the thought of not knowing her in the most intimate way he has imagined. How she'd love to know he's thought of it. He sneaks a glance at her. Then again she probably does know that. He's terrified of her not knowing that he loves her. Again, she more than likely does, but the fact is he's never said it and she deserves to hear it. For everything she has been through because of and for him she deserves to hear it.

"River I…"

WEEEEOOOO WEEEEEOOOOO WEEEEEOOOOOO

The Doctor is interrupted by the blaring of the Alarm.

"Oh, come on", the Doctor yells exasperated.

"Sweetie", River tries to get his attention.

"She's in her cell and everything", the Doctor yells, arms outstretched at the approaching guards. But to his surprise and hers, they run right past her cell.

"Something is going on."

"You don't say, Doctor."

"Cheeky", the Doctor says turning back to her. "So, River. Doing anything tonight?", the Doctor asks playfully.

River stretches back on her bed and embraces the change of mood. "Well I thought I might paint my nails or wash my hair." She can feel the smirk creeping over her face.

She hears his huff of indignation. He knows she is teasing. She is as about able to refuse an adventure as he is. His warm hand grabs for hers. She is momentarily surprised to find he has gotten inside without her hearing.

"That was sneaky."

He looks her directly in the eye,"I learnt from the best, River Song."

"The chicken and the egg, Doctor", River responds, smiling.

The Doctor is sure his hearts skip some beats as she smiles at him.

"Well, I suppose I could wash my hair tomorrow night."

The Doctor takes a tight hold of her hand and yanks her off of her bed.

"If only you were that demanding getting me into bed, Doctor."

The Doctor is sure his face turns beetroot, but does not let her put him off his stride. Not this time.

"Come along, Song", he says pulling her out of her cell and towards the TARDIS. "Let's go and see who is causing mischief."


End file.
